FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2017

I think my husband is having an affair…with my best friend!

Q: “I think my husband is having an affair with my best friend. I don’t have proof; it’s just a feeling. There are no conversations I can trace on his phone, and I see no unusual credit card expenditures. But when we’re together, they are constantly talking and laughing, and touching each other a lot, like on the arms or legs. He has a lot more conversations with her than he ever does with me. I love my husband and don’t want to lose him. What should I do?”

A:  Sounds like it’s time to find a new friend…but I wouldn’t trade in the husband just yet.

No proof is a good thing.  I’m liking that there’s no evidence on the phone and no unusual credit card expenses.  Not to play the Devil’s advocate, I am, however, concerned about the levels of “connection” they seem to exhibit in front of you.

Here are some things to consider.

Are you a jealous person? Have you had these kinds of suspicions in the past?  If so, were they unfounded? Being brutally honest about a situation can save lots of heartache. It’s not always easy to admit our own problems, but in order to assess situations fairly, this is a time for self-assessment.  Now, having that out of the way, let’s look at the situation.

Is this behavior between your husband and your friend something recent? Perhaps they’ve always been friendly, but the sense I’m getting from you is that this is a new occurrence. It’s certainly something that has recently caught your attention and is now troubling you.

Is your husband simply a friendly, outgoing kind of guy? Does he interact with all of your friends, and his, in this manner? Again, the sense I’m getting from you is that their conduct has become different than in the past. But, I don’t want you to make more of this than there is if he’s really friendly to everyone. Perhaps it’s your friend who has misinterpreted his response, but he is certainly adding to it by his advances, and he is absolutely the one who can stop any misunderstanding she has.

Does he look forward to get-togethers when she’s involved? That’s a definite red flag. Although, again, be fair in your assessment of whether he has always “looked forward” to being with friends in the same regard—yours or his.

Regarding the phone and credit cards. Whereas I’m encouraged there aren’t any red flags there, let’s not be naïve enough to think that there couldn’t be another phone you’re unaware of and cash could be used in lieu of debit/credit cards. I’m not necessarily validating your suspicions, however, I do want to advise you about things that could present themselves in disguise.

Now, let’s address my real source of concern about your question: Your suspicions.  I believe spouses know one another well enough to realize when something isn’t quite right. So, let’s get you a plan to address the situation and get your husband back to giving you the attention he gives your friend.

  1. Ask the question. To both of them—husband and friend: “Are you involved with one another? Are you having an affair?” Yes, just ask. We are often reluctant to boldly ask difficult questions, especially when the answer could be one we don’t want to hear. But, you need to know. If they both say no, that’s a beginning, but watch their body language, their eyes, their tone. People who have affairs are liars. They are concealing sinful behavior, something they know is not right, something they know will only damage one and most often both families. So, pay close attention to their responses. If they’re taken by surprise, insulted, offended, outraged, it could be a good sign that there’s nothing going on, but it also gives you a starting place to address the uneasy feeling the two of them give you when they’re together.
  2. It needs to stop. If there is no affair going on, the touchy-feely conduct needs to cease and desist. It’s not an appropriate behavior, number one, but, number two, it invites temptation. No family legacy deserves to be interrupted, and one sure way to preserve it is to remove tempting obstacles. Once the appearance their interactions are giving to others, and especially you, has been brought to their attention, both should be more aware to rein in their actions to one another.
  3. Lose the friend. Broaching your concerns will likely put a strain on the relationship with you and your friend for certain. If it doesn’t and she ceases her behavior toward your husband, she is a true friend. If it does cause a strain, she’s a good one to lose.
  4. Beef up the intimacy. Most people are territorial when it comes to love, or should be. Overt jealousy is another issue altogether. But, when we feel threatened by someone moving in on our ground, it should alert us that something might be missing in our relationship with our spouse. How has your intimate life been lately? Again, time for an honest assessment. And, I don’t want to stop at sexual intimacy. How has your emotional intimacy been? Connecting verbally and sexually have equal value. We tend to forget that our husbands have emotions—but they do, and it’s important that we communicate to them through meaningful conversations (not just about kids), laugh with them, praise them, stroke their ego. They need to know that we respect them, find them attractive and desirable. It’s as important to our men as it is to us women that they feel valued. Take a look at your relationship and figure out where it needs tweaking. Truth told, most marriages need an injection of more love and attention.
  5. Plan some rendezvouses for the two of you. Nothing says you’re mine more than making special events focused on “just the two of us.” Whether you go away for the weekend or you set up a picnic in the bedroom for a night, nurture the love you two have. It’ll do you both good!

Make it happen. Share your feelings. Reclaim what’s yours. Get love back on track. Preserve your legacy. It’s yours! Don’t let it go.

 

 

 

 

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